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yeah - Renditions of a Jester
Ive done this so many times
pour my heart out on the internet
not for some kind of sympathy or pity
but to warn others
of what comes with my existence
i should have been dead long ago
should have never lived in the first place
can this blaze burn me away
i dont know anymore
i just dont know
they say take it one day at a time
what happens when you dont have the time to take
i can feel it
well ,,, rather the lack of it
the only way it goes is to be given
and now the body breaks down
i really dont give a shit about punctuation
dont care about sentence structure
or any of the rules of writing
who needs rules
why go for suicide when you can go for pain
i think edgar allan poe had it well
"From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view."
its my favorite poem
and even there i give away a little piece of myself
sometimes doing the right thing
means giving up the one thing we want the most
but giving up has never been so hard as it is now
even to this moment
i want to go back and beg forgiveness
i want to go back and change that day
to go back and be selfish
to say fuck the right thing
and take what i crave the most
its only a matter of time
until the pressure forces the blood from my veins
its only a matter of time
before i can go in peace and pieces
its so simple so elegant
so destructive
it does nothing but destroy
antagonistic and pointless
at least thats mine
yours , is probably full of
something worth living for
me ive given it all away
thrown it from me
in an act of abysmal stupidity
and endless intelligence
theyll never know why
maybe someday they will see
so many hopes
ill never be able to run away
from the one thing
from the only thing
that ever mattered
i wont be so stupid
never again
ill never forget my place
never forget
what i deserve
not a second goes by
not a moment
not a thought
that doesnt contain the memory
of that one day
the hardest part of getting back up
is knowing that youll fall again
knowing that grace is nothing but
a false state of mind
but this is just me
dont even try
you wont understand
its futile to try
its all for nothing
my mind drifts
and i know im writing this for you
its all
for you
my life
my imminent demise
its too late for that
that happened a long time ago
i breathe heavy
the heart within this chest
barely beating
my only comfort
knowing your better off without me
i never planed it this way
never knew
your probably sick of reading this but i dont care
there will be more after this
but none of it will mirror
the feelings inside
but its not worth it
not worth it
the only hope i have left
is that i live and die
in more pain than i ever gave you
the ghost of my past will forever haunt me
i just wish the world would forget me already


Current Mood: nostalgic nostalgic
Current Music: seether - BROKEN

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